I have usually never been one to complain during a workout. When I started on this journey in 2006, I found the best coach and personal trainer. I went into every workout, grinning and bearing. You want me to finish my run carrying a 9 pound medicine ball?? Sure. Get 3 leg kicks?? Go for it. Run around a parking lot at 5am? I'm on it.
For anyone who has ever had to lose a significant amount of weight, you know how grueling this task is on your body, your mind, and your community. The last year has been incredibly difficult for my community, because they have had to deal with my frustration; especially my trainer.
In December, I went to the doctor. I hadn't had a physical or blood work done in years, and I wanted to see if something was medically wrong with me. There had to be, in my mind, some reason that I was still heavy/fat/round/chubby. The nurse put me on the scale and I. Had. Gained. Weight.
Gained. Weight.
I managed to keep it together while in the tiny room as she took vitals and had small talk. She led me to the exam room, she closed the door, and I fell apart. Bawled like a small child. So disappointed, so frustrated, and frankly, defeated. The doctor came in and the tests were done. A couple of days later, I got my results and I'm perfectly healthy.
My cholesterol is so good, that it's fighting the bad.
I have no chance of developing diabetes.
My doctor said I was among the healthiest she had seen. Despite my weight.
Then. What. Is. Going. On?
She recommends me to the weight loss clinic.
I've done the Whole30.
I work out...all the time.
Instead of talking about it, because I'm not really awesome at talking about my feelings, I lashed out. Best Friend invites me over for paleo chilli; no, i don't want you stinking food. Trainer wants me to do squats, better this time; I want to hang him with the TRX. Neither is fair. Neither is right. It's easier, or it was, to transfer all the negative thoughts I have built up and all the frustrations I have had to them. It was easier, rather than to say plainly that
I am
Frustrated.
Hurt.
Sad.
Tired.
Defeated.
I feel
Hopeless.
Tired.
Like a disappointment.
Like this is never going to end.
Tuesday morning, I have my first appointment with the medical weight loss clinic at Vanderbilt. No surgery or anything happening, I'm not going that route. They'll do some testing, make some recommendations, and follow me for a bit. I'm back on the whole30 and I'm going to continue it as a lifestyle. And this year I have pledged to workout every day. You can follow #365daysoffitness on my Instagram.
I truly believe this year will be different from others. I have to make the decision to either move on or stay where I am and not complain. I want to transform.