when i revamped this blog for like the 5000th time, i decided that i wasn't going to write a lot of stories about my weight loss or fitness journey. i found myself in the spiral of needing to validation of everyone else. then i would hate myself during the months that i didn't lose as much, or when i'd buy frozen pizza and ice cream. you should never feel guilty because of what you eat or because you've had a bad month. so i shy away from that. plus, i think it's really important to talk about other things that are happening in the world. we are so much more than our bodies, my mind is so much more powerful anyway. finding a quality gym in cambodia wasn't really hard. my boss told me about a crossfit gym that was really awesome and a great community. i have always hesitant about joining crossfit because you hear all the awful things, people making fun of it, people getting injured, that kind of thing. i've tried a few crossfit gyms in the states and they were decent, and i started to change my opinions about them. coming here, my only option that i had for a really good workout on a regular basis, and i wanted to make friends, was a crossfit gym.without giving too much free publicity, crossfit amatak is pretty great. it's a great community, they're about good form not the quantity of reps, and they're about building strong bodies, not falling into this mainstream body.
talking about crossfit is not the point of this entry. i'm not one of those people. i'm writing today to talk about frustration and obstacles.
the month of march is also known as the crossfit open. each week, i anxiously wait for the announcement and figure out what form of it i'm going to attempt on saturday. i know my body well enough to know what modifications i have to do for a workout. i don't get upset by it anymore, as long as i can still participate. i don't feel guilty or like i have to apologise for it. this week, the workout seemed to be less of a challenge than last week. i knew that i could finish at least one round. and then i got time capped!
i got so upset with myself when they started the countdown from 5. 5 seconds?!?!? what do you mean 5 seconds?!?!?! how did 4 minutes go that quickly. then every insecure, self-hating comment flooded my mind and i found myself on the verge of tears. i sat in the corner on a box and tried to keep myself together. i didn't want to have a breakdown on the street as i walked home. i could have blamed the jump rope that was frayed and kept getting caught in my leggings and shoelaces, but that's just making excuses. i should and could have finished. luckily, i can do it all over on monday. and i will. i'm ready and more determined to get it done. mostly just to prove to myself that i can do this.
the only obstacle that i really have is myself. it's just me, not a frayed jump rope or anything else. this is all me versus me. me versus thoughts, me versus insecurity, me versus doubt. this isn't only in the gym either. i have been terrified to go after some goals because i didn't think i could do the things i've dreamt about. i know, fundamentally, that i'm not any of the horrible things i think about myself. sometimes, it's just incredibly hard to jump those figurative walls to the other side where i really thrive.
so, in an exercise to live more positively, i'm going to retire the "nope" shirt that i am wearing in the photo above and has frequented the gym on other occasions. i fear my sarcastic commentary is catching up with my own thoughts, making it hard for me to overcome other things. an attempt to be funny has ultimately backfired on me. i'm strong and able, and i need to start saying "yep" to more things. even if i get time capped.