i am currently writing from my bed in a brooklyn hotel room. i'm finishing up my weekend of training here today, and i kinda wish i had extended my time by a few days. but, i didn't, so here we are.
i'm coming back to talk about the body this week. over the last month, many people have asked me about my goals in the gym. for most people, exercising is all about some goal, and not just about the experience of your body. and i think that if you also don't have the body that society deems acceptable, then you can't be exercising for exercise sake.
a couple years ago, i gave up my scale. partly because a trainer told me to, and because i became OBSESSED with it. when the scale wasn't moving, or not moving enough, it dictated how i lived my life. i had to rethink how i approached the gym, and my goals had to back that up. i started lifting and i focused a lot of my energy into that. the weight on the bar increased, i felt better and became more comfortable in my body. it didn't matter how it changed.
when i moved abroad and joined amatak, i joined a community that celebrated the accomplishment of the barbell and not so much how many kgs i was or wasn't. being back in kentucky, there were so many other things in my life going on, that the gym became a refuge for me.
right now, the gym is a place for me to go. it's a place to help me organize all these thoughts that i have, everything i deal with during the day, that kind of thing. of course, i watch what i am eating and i don't try to out train a bad diet. i work hard, but mostly because i like how that feels in my body. a big part of a fitness journey is exploring fitness for fitness sake and finding something you like doing all the time. the body change is a by product, the internal changes that happen are mostly what i'm looking for. i appreciate my body differently now. i feel strong, i may not look it right now, but i feel it. exercise and fitness isn't for everyone else anymore, it's for me. it's helped me feel comfortable with myself, physically and emotionally.
changes have been happening, even though i haven't put as much mental energy towards it. my goal isn't a number on the scale, or a size of clothing. it's more sustainable than that. i feel good in my body. i feel good with who i am. i want to want to keep coming back to the gym, when i am at a healthier weight. i don't want to just be done. i want that time i spend at the gym to be something that i enjoy still, even when the goal is accomplished.