TW: I do talk about eating disorders in this piece.
Polaroid Transfer on cold pressed watercolor paper. 2020
I went on my first diet when I was about 10 and I’ve been on some variation of one since then. Thinking about food and calories literally takes up most free operating space in my brain. It’s scary sometimes.
Having an eating disorder didn’t even come into my view until 2018. I had been working with a nutrition coach, not making a lot of headway on the scale, working out sometimes two times a day. I was frustrated and mad at myself. I was nervous about eating more calories than I was used to, that I would add more activity to my plate to offset it. I started doing workouts at 5am on most days to accommodate it all, plus my work schedule. I was growing insane. I was fighting hard against my body and it was fighting back. Hard. I was at a place where I just wanted to give up, if I was going to be fat forever, I just had to accept it.
Working out numerous times a day, counting every calorie absorbed in my body was nothing new to me. This was old hat. I have tried every diet that came my way. Vegan, Paleo, Keto, Whole30, No Carb, Low Carb, you name it, I’ve done it. I done every workout imaginable. I’ve been known to workout 2, 3 times a day. I was often encouraged to do so. I had a trainer tell me I HAD to. And I know I am judged for my body, even still. By friends. By family. By coworkers. By people I don’t know. By people who don’t even know I’m fat, they just don’t like fat people. It was a battle I knew I would never win until I was bodily acceptable.
I learned from a friend about a local place that specialized in eating disorder treatment and I should check it out. A couple weeks later I was doing the initial screening, a puddle on my office floor, having to honestly answer questions about one of the biggest secrets I’ve kept. I started treatment a few days later. I cried every session. For about 14 weeks, I went back and forth from this office, tearing open this labyrinth of ideologies I believed , to achieve this idea I held about my body and perfection.
There was freedom felt in knowing that my body isn’t anything to fight anymore. I can end the war inside myself and know that I am enough in the way that I am; in who I am. I still struggle, a lot. Treatment never takes away what was, it makes it all more manageable.
This is the first time I’ve ever openly talked (well, wrote about), my eating disorder treatment. The reason I feel ready now is that I am way more stable, but also I’m starting to learn where these ideologies came from, these unattainable body types came to be. They’re deeply rooted in racism.
One of the most important parts of my eating disorder treatment is not that I got “better”, it’s that I learned to be better. Not only was I being really horrible to myself, I was perpetuating long standing practices of racism now under the guise of fitness culture. Discovering this really blew my mind and I’ve been working on it ever since my last session. Despite all my learning and undoing of anti-Black ideas and such in every other part of my life, I was still holding onto one and I had no idea.
The next few blog entries will be breaking down what I’ve learned and what I’m still learning. It’s a lot to unpack. I want to dive deep with you, sharing what I believed about my own body, hoping that it can help you in what you believe about yours. I will also prepare a resource guide for you, if you’re wanting to go on this journey yourself.