i'm a week early on the update, but i figured yall would be okay with that. the last three training sessions with trace have been emotionally and physically stretching. i know that i'm going to get a hell of a workout each time, i know that from circuit training classes. i didn't know, however, that i was going to emotionally react to the workout as much. it's not the first time. many tears have been shed during muay thai training sessions. i don't need to share the story of how i learned to jump rope. in my mind, i'm still almost 450 pounds. i haven't been that weight in nine years. i've been under 300 pounds for over 3 years. i bounce back and forth from being under 200. i get frustrated with myself because this weight loss journey has been 10 years for me. i feel like i should have been finished with this. i get mad because i can't do something as well as other people. i know that i am strong. i can lift and hold more weight than most people in circuit training classes, but in my mind, it's not enough. every time, i glance in a mirror i am that 450 pound girl. i haven't had any surgeries. no pills. just changing the way i eat and exercising.
my second session, my frustration hit high and i lost it. i don't even remember the exercise i was doing at the time, or if it was something that happened over the session. luckily this week i did not cry, but trace could tell i was still very frustrated with myself. i felt like i had failed, because i can't do something a person of average weight can. i felt like i had failed at everything. then i felt like because of that failure, i had let trace down. wasting an hour of his time. my expectations for myself are pretty unreachable. the bar is always just slightly out of reach for me, but i still try to get there. i haven't accepted where i am and how far that i've come. i have to be okay with that, because then i can move forward.
i've been incredibly lucky to have had such amazing trainers. having to start a program with a new person has been hard for me. my weight/diet/exercise has been something i can control for the last 10 years. i have had help along the way. i've worked with the best. having to ask trace to help me, meant that i couldn't do this alone. i thought that i could once i moved to nashville, i had been working out for awhile anyway. i'm really glad that i did, because it was definitely the push i needed to get this show on the road so to speak. i need the extra push. i need the extra guidance. basically, i need the extra confidence that i think trace has in me. it's easy to feel forgotten in a gym, especially a bigger one. i'm not the typical person to go to the gym. it's harder to see the changes i make, especially for me. it's good to know that someone, outside of my friends in classes, has my back. plus wants to see me succeed. even if i give him a hard time. so those moments i don't believe in myself, someone believes in me.
in good news, i've lost 7 pounds and 3 inches. i have a new determination to get fit because the boys on the dorm where i have my office are calling me 'bubble'. as in bubble butt. we just can't have that..and i can't kick them in the head. physically, i can...professionally, i can't. till next time.
