the other day in the gym, my trainer said i needed bigger goals.
don't worry , he wasn't being mean.
since i've decided that i'm not going to do surgery, and feeling pretty confident in that decision now. i have been re-evaluating my goals for fitness and such. for the longest time i have looked at my weight on the scale and the way i believe to be a socially acceptable body size. i laugh at myself, because i have actually used the term "socially acceptable body". that is some messed up thinking.
being at lfa, i've been able to start lifting a lot heavier than i have at any other gym. it's starting to feel like my niche, since i'm not really kickboxing that much anymore. i have been searching for the next thing for me since i moved to nashville and i wasn't training with team haycraft anymore. at the end of june, i was able to squat 95lbs and deadlift 105lbs. for the month of july, i wanted to increase both by 10lbs. small, attainable goal (it's the therapist in me). i broke both of those by july 2. ha, i've never been an overachiever. that's my brother.
so i need bigger goals. and i made bigger goals.
like i said earlier, i'm re-evaluating all my fitness/health goals. i used to keep a book that held all my info in it, related to my health. my weight, my body fat percentage, my food, and all my exercise. i got rid of it. i tend to obsess over the calories in/calories out, sticking to a certain number of calories, so i had to just stop. the other day i saw the nutrition guru at lfa and it really helped me change the way i need to look at food. and even my body. he mentioned focusing on the nutrients in the food, rather than the calorie content. putting emphasis on, is what i am eating really good for me? what's it going to do for me? i look forward to making the changes that he suggested and see what happens.
i have been deadset on a number on the scale that i wanted to see. slowly, i am starting to admit to myself that i have done this all wrong. i have damaged my body, instead of helping it. instead, i want to focus on how i feel, what i can do, and how i progress in my workouts. in my new book, i'm able to see how each day i've been able to go a little further, i've become a little strong, and i can rock out 150 sit ups in 6 minutes flat.
as far as long term goals, i want to focus on my body fat percentage and how much i can lift. eventually, i like to try the bars of steel classes offered. as i move through my goals, i will get to a new challenge for myself. maybe by next summer i can finally try rock climbing or surfing, who knows?! 
i'm already starting to see a difference in my body. i feel a lot stronger. i'm able to go deeper in my squats. i have more energy to power through a work day and then a work out. this is the best i've felt in a long time. i know i have quite a ways to go. this journey isn't going to easy by any means. even though i thought by now that i would be on the other side of it, i'm still in the middle.
you might be wondering what the title means. i haven't touched on it much yet. i think it means something different to everyone who reads it. for me, it is what i have been missing all along. i believe that i have looked at it backwards. i have been more worried about how i would think other people would look at me and not how i would look at myself. getting a new perspective, that my weight-loss not only begins from within, but also is where i will see the beginning stages of change. others may not see that, but i definitely will. that's what matters most. this isn't about anything "socially acceptable". it's about self-acceptance. it's about the number of nutrients, not the calories. it's about increase the quality of each workout, not the quanity of workouts.